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Saturday, September 6, 2014

Yeah, I Saw the Movie. I'm Done Now.

Now that the movie of The Fault in Our Stars is out on DVD, I finally got around to seeing it.

I don't know how else to put this...it was horrendously bad. Seriously one of the worst movies I have ever seen. So bad that I may have to revise my bottom ten list to include it.

It's over two hours long, and I wanted to shut it off 12 minutes in. It's a good thing I didn't see it in theaters because I probably would have walked out.

The eye-roll factor was off the charts.

Hazel is just as obnoxious as in the book. Gus is WAY too cheesy and unrealistic, pretty darn creepy at times, and frankly sort of a doofus. He has absolutely none of the charm and charisma that he is supposed to have in the book, and Ansel Elgort isn't even that good looking.  Also, there is absolutely no chemistry between Hazel and Gus. Throughout the entire movie, I desperately wanted the two of them to stop talking.

Isaac, my favorite character in the book, was turned into a pathetic and disgusting creep. (Side note, there sure was a lot of boob-grabbing in this movie. Unnecessary.)

The few parts that I liked about the book were either changed, omitted, or ruined due to the universally terrible acting. I know some of the actors in the film are quite capable, so I'm blaming the poor direction, and terrible source material. Seriously, the direction and pacing was so bad. I looked up the director; I'd never heard of him.  Unsurprisingly, he hasn't done anything of note. This is no exception.

Oh, and it's so clever and original how they gave John Green a cameo, I was totally surprised to see him, and it just seemed so right... (In case you didn't catch it, that whole sentence was dripping with sarcasm.)
When I saw him, I kept expecting to see jump-cuts every two seconds, thankfully, there were none. At least they did that right.

Also, I really loved the addition of the unnecessary, obligatory, PG-13 allowed F-word. Way to keep it classy guys...

The first kiss in the Anne Frank house, followed by everyone clapping...still didn't work. It was just as terrible and awkward as in the book.

I was told that the parents play a larger role in the film, and are better developed. That is complete bull-crap. They were even more irrelevant and forgettable than they were in the book, and most of them came across as creepy.

I was also told that the waiter in Amsterdam steals the show.  Seriously?! He was totally bland and forgettable! He literally only has 10 brief lines (I counted), and frankly the delivery wasn't that good. Most of his ONE MINUTE of screen time (I timed it) was just him standing around in the background. His "speaking role" consisted of exactly 23 seconds of dialog. If that is stealing the show, then some people really  have low expectations.

All of the dialog in the film just further proves what a bad writer John Green is. It all sounds so unnatural and disingenuous.

I'm glad that they left out the embarrassingly bad final line from the book. The closing line they did go with was better, but still pretty bad. At least it was fitting.

The voice-over narration doesn't work and seemed really out of place and intrusive. The emails and text messages superimposed on the screen seemed odd and inconsistent with the rest of the film's style (if you can call it that.)

What was bad about the book is still bad in the movie. What was good about the book was totally absent.
Overall, the movie was just an awkward mess. Full of nonsense and garbage. I felt absolutely nothing for any of the characters.

I'm officially declaring myself done with this ridiculous story. I can't wait for it to be forgotten and fade into oblivion where it belongs.

Oh yeah...The Fault in Our Stars gets zero stars, obviously.


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