Recently, I've been having a strange new feeling.
I've been experiencing an increased desire for self preservation.
Along with this feeling is a heightened awareness of my own mortality.
Honestly, it kind of concerns me a little bit.
A few months ago I decided to resign from my paintball team.
I've been on that team for the better part of five years.
My teammates are among my closest friends.
This was not an easy decision.
A large part of my decision to leave was due to these recent feelings of anxiety.
We travel a lot for our tournaments, and we often drive through the night.
When we would be driving, I would sometimes wonder if I would make it home alive.
Thus far we have never had any problems or accidents...but it's only a matter of time, right?
I wondered if these feelings were some kind of premonition that something bad was coming.
I've always been very good about trusting my feelings; so I decided that if something bad was going to happen, I didn't want to be around for it.
These feelings don't just come before long trips either.
Sometimes when I am driving on the freeway, and traffic is a little erratic and crazy, I start thinking about traffic accidents. I sometimes wonder "Is this how I am going to die?"
I know lots of people who have gone that way...
I'm feeling like I need to take extra measures to keep myself safe.
I don't mean wearing a padded helmet everywhere, or barricading myself inside my own house...I just mean avoiding unnecessary risks.
I really hope this isn't some kind of clinical paranoia or anxiety.
I don't think it is.
I was talking to my dad about these feelings the other night, and he told me that he remembers when he started feeling this way too.
He had a friend who survived a pretty horrific motorcycle accident involving a semi truck.
It was after this experience that my dad started being more careful.
Perhaps these feelings are just a normal part of growing up and getting older.
I am kind of surprised that these feelings are happening now, and not later when I have a family to support.
Currently, I am single and unattached. I am debt free and have no outstanding personal obligations. I also have a generous life insurance policy through work.
I know it is a morbid thought, but in many ways, now would be the ideal time for me to unexpectedly die.
Naturally I don't want that to happen.
I am hoping that there is a good reason for these odd feelings.
Perhaps there is something important in store for my future.
Maybe something really good is about to happen in my life.
There must be some reason for me to stick around...
I suppose only time will tell.
So what do you guys think? Is this normal? Is it healthy?
4 months ago