Thursday, May 13, 2010

Male and Female Dating Strategies

How should I put this? I am a single person. I've been a single person for a very long time.
As a single person, I'm always encountering various tips and strategies regarding dating. I find all of these different dating philosophies interesting, but I can't say that I subscribe to any one in particular.

For this post I am going to outline, and discuss, two separate three-part dating strategies; one from the male perspective, and the other from the female perspective.


This male dating strategy is taken from The Tao of Steve. The movie itself pretty much blows, and is full of hypocrisy and inconsistency, but the strategy it presents is worth considering. Here it is:

1 - Eliminate your desire, i.e. don't be lustful. You can't go on a date and spend all night trying to make your move. Women can tell if you have an agenda or ulterior motive. Your only interest should be in getting to know them through casual conversation. You can't fake it either, you genuinely need to let go of your desire, otherwise you are just a lying hypocrite.

2 - Do something excellent in their presence, thus demonstrating your dating worthiness. You need to be awesome! Girls only want to date guys that are interesting and exciting. You should plan dates that will allow you to present yourself as someone who is fun to be with.

3 - We pursue that which retreats from us. If you retreat and make yourself difficult to catch, you become more interesting to the woman, and she will want to pursue you. If you are too easy to catch, it leads to boredom. Basically you need to leave them wanting more.

(Note: I once had a girl tell me that the definition of a "creeper" is someone who is only interested in being physical, or someone who talks negatively about other people. This seems to support the ideas behind rules 1 and 2.)

To summarize: Be Desireless, be excellent, and be gone.

While I think that the psychology behind this philosophy is sound, I question whether this strategy can actually lead to a relationship. The third rule is where I have the most hang-ups. I agree that retreating will make you more desirable, but I have a hard time seeing how this will help you beyond the first date. You can't always be distant or the girl will just think you aren't interested.

Here are some of my thoughts: People are only interested in dating people that other people want to date too. Did that make sense? Conversely, nobody wants to date someone that no one else will go out with. Rather than completely retreating, if you demonstrate that your attention is in demand, you become more interesting. On the other hand, if you are suddenly always available, and live only to serve that one person, they will feel smothered and lose interest. At least that's my take on it. This is also why "nice guys" often have trouble getting into relationships. They are just too eager to please.


The female strategy was explained to me by a friend, so I am uncertain as to its origins. Also, being a guy, my understanding may be limited. However, I did take notes while she explained it (seriously), so the concepts should be solidly preserved. Here they are:

1 - Animation. Basically, be animated in your personality and interactions. Talk with your hands, and talk about things that he is interested in and will remember. Try and avoid everyday small talk. Doing these things makes you more memorable.

2 - Closeness. Be where he is. This one is difficult because there is a fine line between "closeness" and "stalking". If you are able to be around the guy more often, he will be more likely to think about you, and consider you as a potential date.

3 - Touch. This is the most important. It is generally understood that the "T" accounts for 90% of the effectiveness of this method, while the "A" and "C" only account for a combined 10%.
The "T" also incorporates the three-times-touch rule, which I had actually heard of before. That is, if a girl touches a guy three times on his arm (or particularly his elbow), then he will detect her interest, and be more likely to ask her out. Touching is not limited to the arms. The areas of touch that guys notice most, are the arm, leg, and back.

A similar concept to number 3, is that of C.T.T.I., or the Casual Touch That Isn't (casual). This applies to both genders, and basically means that if a person is deliberately touching you, they are probably interested.

One note about the A.C.T. strategy is that it must only be used on someone within your own range of attractiveness. This basically means that it will only work on a person who would likely be attracted to you anyway. It will help guys to notice you and think of you as a potential date, but it won't make Brad Pitt come knocking at your door.

One final concept that I would like to address, which I believe applies to both genders, is the creepy vs. cute principle. This means that if a person likes you, then all the little things that you do to get their attention will make you appear more cute in their eyes. However, if a person doesn't like you, then all those same actions will just make you appear more creepy. You need to be aware of how you are being received, so you can proceed appropriately.

I have no idea how well any of these strategies actually work. I hate playing these sorts of dating mind games, and generally I don't even try. I'm more a fan of the "be confident, and be your best possible self" philosophy. I also quite like the techniques found in How To Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. I think that if you develop good interpersonal skills, and work on being the sort of person that you would want to date, then you probably won't have any trouble getting dates.

(If you actually took the time to read this entire post, you may now consider yourself as officially "Robby Approved".)


Kendra said...

Robby this is an excellent post. But while everyone tries to find the best method to dating I don't think there is one. But I love hearing everyone's take. Have you read men are from mars women are from Venus? It's kinds weird sometimes but you might enjoy it

Robby Spratt said...

Thanks! I will have to add it to my list. :)

Dave said...

Hooray! I'm Robby Approved! I had something else to add to this comment, but it has slipped my mind so you don't get it.

Erica said...

Yessssssss I am Robby approved!!!!! And is it really 3 touches? I'll have to keep track...