Friday, December 18, 2009

My Bottom Ten...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love movies. There is almost nothing that I enjoy more than discussing my favorite films. Unfortunately, over the years, there have been a handful of truly awful films which produce in me a reaction I can only describe as a mental dry heave. Keep in mind, these films are not necessarily poor quality films, nor are they "bad" movies. They are films which either insulted my intelligence, or left me feeling disappointed in every way imaginable. These are the films which robbed me of a portion of my life that I will never get back. With that, I present to you my bottom ten:

1. Elf

Seriously, how did this movie even manage to get made? Did somebody actually sit down and write that crap? I wish I could have been in the meeting when this film got the go-ahead, just so I could find out how a bunch of Hollywood big-wigs could have possibly convinced someone that this movie was a good idea. I consider it an atrocity to mankind that this has come to be considered as a "holiday classic". I know most people disagree with me, but this is a truly awful movie.

2. The Graduate

#9 on AFI's list of the funniest movies of the century...I must have missed something because there was not a single funny thing about this movie. It was just despicable, depressing, and pointless. I will never feel the same way about Simon and Garfunkel again, and that is a shame.

3. Phantom of the Opera

Excellent Broadway musical, amazing music...awful movie. Everyone I know who has actually seen the live musical, hates the movie; and everyone I know who loves the movie, has not seen the musical. They slightly changed the story, changed some of the songs, added a few laughable scenes, hired the worst possible actor to play the Phantom, and assembled a cast that did not have the vocal talent to do justice to the music. That being said, I don't think there was any way possible for them to match Sarah Brightman and Michael Crawford. This movie should not have been made.

4. Labyrinth

Do people seriously like this movie? I dare someone to name one thing about this film that was actually good...and you'd better not say David Bowie's sweet contact juggling skills!

5. The Day After Tomorrow

They got chased by ice!........I am seriously speechless. You really just need to see the look on my face right now.

6. The Cider House Rules

This was supposed to be a touching story of a young, naive boy, who with the help of his caring mentor, discovers life and comes of age. Instead it came across as a sleazy, immoral, abomination of a film. Apparently coming of age happens when you start drinking, get a girl pregnant, and engaging in all sorts of other unseemly behavior. This film is a blemish in the otherwise excellent career of Michael Caine. This is also the film which made me hate Charlize Theron, and dislike Toby Maguire. Thank goodness he was redeemed with Spiderman and Spiderman 2. Let's just forget about Spiderman 3 though.

7. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Similar to The Cider House Rules, what should have been a touching story about life, just turned trashy and disappointing. Benjamin Button is an extraordinary individual who lives an ordinary life. The real hiccough of the story is that whenever Benjamin Button has a major decision to make, he always seems to make the wrong one. These bad decisions include: having affairs, getting a woman pregnant, not marrying the woman, abandoning the woman and his child, having even more affairs, drinking, and general irresponsibility, just to name a few.
For anyone who saw the movie and hated it, and felt that there was potential that was seemingly untapped; I would recommend reading the original F. Scott Fitzgerald's short story that this movie is supposedly based on. Everything I wrong with the movie was right with the short story. After reading the original story, I can tell you that the filmmakers truly butchered a very moving tale.

8. You Don't Mess With the Zohan

I was pretty excited about this movie; I thought it had a lot of potential to be funny. An expert Israeli special forces soldier who moves to America to fulfill his life long dream of being a hair dresser? How could that not be funny? Unfortunately the story is bloated with the crudest sex situations you could imagine, extremely unfunny racial jokes, and displays the extreme poor taste which is so pervasive in modern comedies. I felt extremely deceived and violated by this movie. It should have been rated R. I'm no Adam Sandler fan, but this is definitely the least of his films.

9. The Saint

Awful! Awful, awful awful, from start to finish it is awful. This movie made me hate Val Kilmer and Elizabeth Shue. I wasn't much of a fan of either of them prior to this movie, but it really made me hate them. Shue is far too ditsy and downright idiotic to be convincing as a nuclear physicist who has unlocked the secret of cold fusion. Kilmer...well, actually I don't even know what he was supposed to be doing. I guess he was some sort of super thief who used James Bond and Mission Impossible style gadgets to steal things. It sounds cool, but it just isn't. I don't know how long this movie is, but I want back whatever space of time it stole from my life!

10. Amadeus

I am aware that this film won best picture, however, that does not make it good in my eyes. Every time Mozart in on screen or utters that henous laugh of his, I just want to punch him in the face; punch the director in the face, punch every person who had a hand in making this movie in the face! I'm not a violent person, but this movie makes me have all sorts of violent cinematic fantasies. It is no bueno.

I know many of you probably disagree with some, or all, of the films on my list. Please don't hate me for my taste in movies. This is nothing more than my own opinion and really isn't worth anything in the grand scheme of things. I like talking about movies I hate almost as much as I like talking about movies I love. I would like very much to hear about some of the films(so called) that you would put on your own bottom ten lists...

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