Monday, October 26, 2009

My List of Bad Ideas

The Formative Years

Adventures in Babysitting:
As children, my brothers and I went through a lot of babysitters. Due to incidents such as the following, most sitters wouldn't come back...

-The time we rolled our babysitter up in a length of carpet, dragged her down the hall, and rolled her down the stairs.
-When my best friend and I tied the babysitter up to the vacuum using the vacuum power cord. We wheeled her into the closet and left her there until my parents got home.
-Once upon a time, our babysitter revealed to us that she was allergic to aerosol sprays. We immediately grabbed every can of air-freshener we could find, and launched our own chemical-warfare campaign. It did not end well. As I recall, she ran from our house gasping.

-In one of our first home alone experiences my brothers and I made sort of a strange mess in the house. We had a bunch of those glow stick things tied to strings, and we had been outside throwing them at each other and seeing how high we could throw them. When we came inside we continued twirling them around and throwing them at each other. Unbeknown to us, several of them had cracked open when they hit the ground outside. When we turned out the lights in our house to go to bed, we found glow in the dark speckles and splash marks all over the walls, floor, and ceiling. We were freaking out! We tried to scrub them off, but there were a lot of them, and they didn't come off so easily. I think we noticed that after a while the glow had faded so they weren't as visible. We just hoped that they wouldn't be visible at all by the time our parents got home. I don't think they ever found out about that one.

Experiments Gone Wrong:
-When I was young, I thought it would be a funny prank to put an empty soda can in the fridge that appeared to not have been opened. I figured the easiest way to do this would be poke a hole in the bottom and drain out all the soda. I decided to do this by taking a nail and hammer to the bottom of the can. You can probably figure out what happened. I pound the nail into the can, and immediately a geyser of Dr. Pepper shoots out of the can and sprays all over the kitchen and ceiling. It was raining Dr. Pepper in our house! This one was hard to clean up. I think we were finding speckles of Dr. Pepper in strange corners of the kitchen for years to come.

-So one Halloween we were doing fun things with dry ice, and figured out that we could use the dry ice to carbonate all sorts of beverages. I figured that milk must be awesome carbonated. WRONG! The first effect of putting dry ice in milk was that it started bubbling continuously, like when you blow milk bubbles with a straw...only we couldn't stop it! That made a mess. After the dry ice melted and the bubbling ceased, the resulting carbonated milk was nasty! It tasted like metal. Gross!

-My brothers and I theorized that all cookies are better when they are warm and soft. To prove this hypothesis, we took an Oreo cookie and decided to warm/soften it in the microwave. We decided to start off at a pretty low cooking time, so we set the timer for 10 seconds. Everything seemed ok...until we opened the microwave door. Billows of thick black smoke poured out of the microwave! We were so baffled at how much smoke could come from one Oreo after only 10 seconds that we hesitated in following appropriate smoke clearing procedures. The fire alarms in our house went off, and the stench was intense. We opened doors and windows, and cleared out the smoke, but the smell lingered for weeks. I've been tempted many times since this incident to try and recreate the conditions to see if this works every time, but so far I haven't dared. I need to just haul a microwave outside with an extension cord and try it in a safe environment. Hmmm...that's a good idea!

From the Mission

-Here's a little tip: When a crazy/violent person stops you in the street and tells you that they were once in a mental hospital, it is never a good idea to guess the reason why they were in the mental hospital...

-When someone threatens to kill you unless you go away, you should probably do as they say rather than following them back up the walk and making threats of your own. Doing this will only result in him chasing you down the street and making your companion cry.

-When you meet someone crazy/violent, make sure you mark their house very clearly in your records, because accidentally knocking on their door a second time will most definitely not go well.

-If you feel ill and think you may need a bathroom, make that priority one! If you gamble on this one, you will probably lose. I may or may not have learned this unpleasant lesson as many as three time while on my mission...

The College Years

The year that Dave, Andrew, and I all lived together was a really fun year, but also a year full of bad ideas. Strangely, most of them are food related. Here are a few of the better ones.

-Dave and I believed at one time that two ingredients, namely Cholula hot sauce, and Devirl's all purpose seasoning, could make any food item better. To test the theory we added Cholula and Deverl's to the dough of some m&m cookies we were baking. The result was...not bad, but definitely not something I would eat voluntarily again.

-The time I decided to make a grilled chili cheese sandwich in a waffle maker. I didn't know how much molten chili and cheese could ooze out of one dang samich! It seriously went all over the place and totally gummed up the waffle maker. There was more chili/cheese on the counter than in my samich! It seemed like such a good idea at the time.

-My infamous bean dip. This experience yielded the famous quote, "A little too much beans, a little too much cheese, and a little too much cholula, makes a little too much heaven..." That was before I tasted the concoction. First of all, it didn't taste good. Second of all I was so stubborn that I insisted on eating way more of the stuff than I should have. Lets just say that the bowel repercussions were epic!

One Sunday afternoon, Dave, Myself, and Meagan(Dave's future wife) decided to make an amazing Sunday lunch. We went all out! We had eggs, bacon, snausage(yeah I said snausage), toast, juice, tons of stuff! Anyway, we were cooking so many things that we didn't have stove space or pan space to cook the bacon, so we decided that we could just broil it in the oven. We turned the oven on broil, which only used the upper heating coil, and put the bacon on a pan on the upper oven rack. This was where our mistake was. When we opened the oven to check the status of the bacon, flames erupted out of the oven! It freaked us out so bad! We quickly figured out that the sizzling grease from the bacon was hitting the heating element and bursting into flames. We had to get the bacon out of there! We opened the oven again, with similar results to the first time. We grabbed a towel and began to pull the pan out of the oven. As the grease sloshed around it caused even more flames. We seriously thought we were going to burn down the apartment. Luckily we got the bacon out with no serious fire damage, and the bacon was pretty good besides being a little on the crispy side.

-Lastly, and the only item not food related, there was the time my brother decided to download a free copy of Quicken from some dodgy website. The result was a massive virus which totally destroyed my laptop! At the time I didn't use my laptop very often so he neglected to tell me about the incident until a significant amount of time had passed, and I was wondering why my laptop wouldn't boot up. Yeah, that was a good one.

(This list of bad ideas is by no means comprehensive and is subject to expand rapidly and without warning.)


Tim said...

Hilarious on the babysitter stuff...pray tell who was it?!? I do seem to recall you guys always having new baby sitters...

Robby Spratt said...

I think it was one of the Sontag girls that we rolled down the stairs. The one who got tied to the vacuum was one of the Schvaneveldt's.

Chess said...

How could you do that to your poor babysitter?! That's sooo mean!